Elks in Canada Homepage Hans van Elk and Louise van Alenburg

Short Stories

Posted by louise

Louise writes short stories and poems. Many people asked me why not a weblog, but I hate pressure, so you'll probably wait in vain. These stories are erratic, spontanuous, irregular and unpredictable. Like me.

Some stories are in Dutch.
Dus voor de Nederlanders, Klik hier.

Pressure kills creativity....

Recent penwork

What's in a name?

Hans parents never realised what they caused when the gave Hans his names. The name Hans itself does not seem to cause many problems but that is exactly the problem. Hans is a 'roepnaam' or nickname. His real names are: Hendrikus Engelbertus Johannes Maria. There you have it.

In each and every country we've been in, it causes problems. Within the office he is known as Hans van Elk, or at least as Hans Van, but Hendrikus Engelbertus is someone else of course. Once in the headoffice we were waiting for a medical examination. The doctor's assistant called for a Mr. Hejm. We were the only two there, but we did not react. Again this lady kept calling for this person. Finally it dawned to me. Maybe she confused his four first name initials with his 3 last name letters ELK. The appendix 'van' is never understood outside the Netherlands except for maybe Belgium.

Also his name on the passport does not match with what he is known by. So we get phonecalls for Mr. Hendrikus, pronounced in a way that I also do not know who that is. With a straight face I declare that this person does not live in my house.

Hans might have won 10.000 dollars or a cruise to the Caribean and we would never know. See? All thanks to his parents. ;-)

Unexpected item

In this country everything (well almost everything) is well organised. So nothing strange or funny to write about you'd think. We have drive-in coffee, drive-in banking, drive-in restaurants. Hardly anyone pays with cash and even in the supermarkets you have robots that allow you to buy your groceries with Self Check Out. I like human contact though, so I hardly used these Self Check Out counters. But the other day I did not have much groceries so I thought to check this robot out.

I always bring my re-usable bags and I unfolded one and placed it in the right position. Immediately the robot (it turned out to be a female) told me: "Unexpected - Item - in - bagging - area". Oh dear, not so green this robot eh. A red light was flashing above my head and I was unable to click 'cancel' or anything to switch of the light and continue. Apparently you can only make use of the plastic bags provided. Luckily an attendant came and helped me out.

I scanned the first item. The robot answered: "Have - you - scanned - your - clubcard?" Forgot about that. I digged up the clubcard from my wallet and waved it in front of the robot's eye. She liked that. "Fifty - cents - savings". How nice. I continued scanning items until there were only vegetables left. Some of them have stickers with codes on them. They are easy. "Key - in - the - productcode". But my 'witlof' caused a problem. I know they wrongly call this vegetable 'Brussels Andive". So I looked it up alphabetically. It was not there. I tried several codes and finally had to ask help from the attendant again. I have to remember the code for next time as the line grew longer and longer behind me. 5434.

In continued with my few groceries feeling the others behind me getting more and more annoyed as the robot announced cheerfully again: "Unexpected - Item - in - bagging - area". I hate robots...

Demented woodpecker

This saturday morning he did it again. The demented woodpecker. He was here last summer, and he's back. Normally woodpeckers peck holes in trees to find nice creepy crawlies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And they are pecking away in the forest behind our house. A nice low drumming kind of sound. Quite pleasing. I like them, woodpeckers.

Not this one though. Last summer this tried frantically to peck a hole in the roof and in the metal gutter of the neighbours' shed. Rakatakataaaaaak Rakatakataaaaak ... Not a low drumming sound, more like an automatic gunfire. I asked him politey at first: "Need glasses, you Woody? " But he wouldn't listen. Deaf maybe too. After hours of this Rakatakataaaaaaking I was less empathic: "Shut up you demented bird!"

This morning he was back again. And even at an earlier hour than our normal 4:10 am weekdays. No use of burying my head in my pillow....

Citizen of the world

Having lived abroad I own clothes from different corners of this globe. I have Russian boots with 10 cms stiletto heels, Thai silk skirts and Malay Batik blouses. This morning I donned my Russian XC-ski hat and we went for a ski. Coming down a hill and changing into a higher pace going up another hill, I met two people walking. Halfway the climb I heard the guy greeting me with: Dobre Oetre! Surprised to hear a goodmorning in Russian, I stopped. The couple started a conversation in speedy Russian and I had to open the correct language file in my head to be able to understand and answer them. Of course it was because of my Russian hat that they spoke to me.

I feel so fortunate to have been able to learn different lanuages over the years. And during these surprising nice moments you know again why you made the effort. And that's why I love Canada so much. It's a truly multicultural place, especially in Fort McMurray. I speak some Thai with my Thai Masseuse and good friend Phakamat. On the 5th of December we not only celebrate the Dutch St. Nicholas but also King Bhumibol's birthday. If it is Chinese New Year, Hari Raya or Gawai, we congratulate our Malaysian Friends and we send Christmas wishes to our Russian friends on the 7th of January.

I feel emotional not only when Sven Kramer wins gold on the 5000 meter speedskating but also to see Ivan Skobrev from Russia on his knees before realisting he managed to hold onto the bronze medal. And I cry with Canadian atlete Jenn Heil who just missed a gold medal on the moguls.

I am so happy and proud to be a citizen of the world.

Frosty and Snowy

May we introduce you to Frosty and Snowy?

I hear you thinking: what on earth... frozen brain or what? Are they now completely crazy and irresponsible? Is this a new trend? Frozen eyelashes and icicles for earrings? Seems like it eh? It's not that easy though to grow icicles on your ears. It requires at least two hours on the x-country skis. Preferably at the end of the afternoon, just before dusk.

But before you all get worried : we also have a proven method to melt the ice quickly. Directly into the home-sauna. From - 30 C to + 80 C or so.

You're always welcome for a free demo.

Antifreeze

Fort McMurray December 11, 2009. 8 AM. The sun is coming out. No living soul to see outside. You switch on the TV with your favourite channel: the weather channel with todays forecast.

You're kidding me, -40!!.

The only thing that doesn't freeze solid yet is the bottle of Polar Ice Wodka that we placed outside as a test. It sure is an awsome Anti-freeze.

Fort McMurray, December 12. It's getting worse: -47 Centigrade including windchill factor. Aren't those Northpole conditions? What do people do on a day like this?

Stay indoors of course and fill yourself up with Anti-freeze.

Ehh.. what did I just say? The only thing that does not freeze solid is the Polar Ice Wodka???? I have to take that back...

Fight with a pumpkin

Have you ever tried to kill a pumpkin? Well, I wouldn't recommend it. Very dangerous.

Before Halloween I had bought a few pumpkins. One of them weighed 4,5 kilograms. Next to Scary witch Eucalypta they made a spooky entrance. Now that the christmas lights start to appear here and there, it was time to try my culinary skills on the pumpkin. Someone gave me a nice recipe for pumpkin-cranberry cake. So, yesterday I rolled up my sleeves and during two loads of washing I started the task.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, so I removed all delicate stuff from the counter. A good plan, as turned out later. I started in good spirits with the breadknife. It's huge and it has a sharp milled edge. That will do the trick, I thought. Well, it didn't. The knife got stuck halfway into the pumpkin and it was impossible to get it out, or even move it. I started to feel quite warm, so I took of my sweater. In the meantime one washload was finished, so I took care of that first. When I returned to the kitchen the pumpkin was maliciously looking at me with that knife sticking out. But it wouldn't bring me down. I pulled the pumpkin up by the knife, and managed to get it into a judo-grip on the ground. With one foot on the pumkin and two hands on the knife I finally managed to get the knife out. Without accidents.

Next try. A small potato peel knife maybe, to pinch in a hole? Nah, not such a great idea. Better use the Thai chopper. I had read on a cooking site on the internet that your knife needed to be very sharp, so first I had to sharpen the chopper. I always watched in awe how our Thai and Malay helpers used this murderweapon. I have always been a little apprehensive to use it. Why? Well, you can easily chop one's head off with it.

With the chopper real sharp, it was time for some headhunting. I lifted the chopper high in the air and hew in, my eyes sort of closed at the impact. The pumpkin thought: "all well, but I am not staying here" and rolled aside. The result was that I only chopped off a little slice. Now I got a bit mad. "I'll squash you", I yelled. This time it was spot on. The knife got stuck but with some force I could split the pumpkin in half. Tjakka!

Well, 1-0 for me. Not much brain this pumpkin if you ask me. The weight comes mainly from its skin and the flesh. To remove the threads and the seeds is also not an easy task. It keeps sticking to your fingers. And not to mention the staining properties. With folding the washed and dried clothes, I noticed a fine stain on my sleeve and on a clean towel! So I had to take off my shirt as well to wash that again. I don't know how other women do this Multi-tasking thing... I'm hopeless.

Well, after an hour, half undressed, and only halfway with killing the pumpin. He was tough allright and kept rolling away avoiding my attacks. "I'll make soup of ye", I grumbled, and yes, another piece came off. After a few more curses from my side ("I'll grind you into cakedough") the ordeal was almost over.

Yes, it sure was a fight. I lost some flesh (luckily not my own) and at least I can write down in annals: I fought with a pumpkin of 4.5 kilograms and I won!

Superstar

The other day, I was minding my own business in the Thickwood Safeway supermarket. I loaded my groceries on the conveyor belt and as the attendant started to scan the products I heard a voice. "You're a superstar!" I looked around to see if I recognised any superstar near me, but I am not fully aquainted with the Canadian celebrities yet, so I did not see a familiar face. Then a lady touched my arm. "You are a superstar my dear". "What? Me?"

As it turned out, this lady was from the Ban-The-Plastic-Bag-Go-Green-Committee or something and I was a superstar to them. Why? Because I used my own big black canvas shopping bag. Now I must say, although for us Dutch, it is part of our culture to bring your own bag to the supermarket, here in Canada it is not easy. The conveyor belt is not designed for bringing your own bags. Cashiers are so used to open the plastic bags and fill them with your stuff, you almost have to pull it out of their hands to fill your own bag. But I don't know any better. Or should I say worse?

So all other people around me smiled in admiration and I received a present for being so Green. It was a canvas bag with re-usable bags for fruit and vegetables! Well, it was nice, but if someone did not need any extra re-usable canvas bags it was me. I hope they hand them out to the other 60 thousand residents of Fort McMurray!

Aloha

Yep, Louise got the golf fever again and can be found on the course two or three times a week. Ridiculous of course, because it is an expensive, frustrating and addictive game and a waste of time. Luckily there is a lot of wildlife to see and it is good exercise; it keeps me in shape, because I walk all 18 holes.

Actually my game is not bad at all. I already won 25 dollars (to be spend in the pro-shop) and lately it was ladies night with an Hawaian theme. So I got myself into a rattan skirt and went out to play. It was either because of this outfit or that they thought I badly needed a haircut, because I won a free wash-, cut- and colourtreatment at a local hairdresser. Not bad eh?

My score came down from 120 to 110 and the household duties are suffering accordingly. But who cares, as long I enjoy myself and see foxes, deer and bears! Where do you find a golfcourse like that?

So I make the most of it as long as the course is open. Before you know it starts freezing again and it's a long winter...

Wet Mayor and Scrat, the squirrel

Recently we celebrated Canada day, so the whole country had a day off. There was a parade in town and people told me that it would be fun to watch. So we headed downtown early to get a good spot. Some of the Walkie Talkies joined the parade in pink for the Run for the Cure. It was obvious that Fort Mac is truly Multicultural. When the bright coloured African or East Indian ladies or a real Chinese LionDance came by you wondered in which country you were. Native Indians were also present as well as the local Sheriff. After that there were festivities at the river, but the weather was not very cooperative. During the opening ceremony there was a downpoor and people took shelter underneath two tents that were set up. Suddenly we stood next to the Mayor, she wore a T-shirt of Fort McMurray. We recognised her, because we had seen her in a fantastic red sportscar earlier in the parade. But otherwise we could have mistaken her for a competitor in a Miss Wet T-shirt competition.

The cultural activities were a little amateurish, but maybe we are spoiled with the interesting performances that we saw in Thailand and Malaysia and not to forget the Russian professional music and dances. To close the day properly, we decided to see the movie Ice Age III that just came into the theatres. But first we needed to find the cinema. The building that said "Theatre" was completely desolated, half demolished and obviously closed. So we went home first to check on internet where the real theatre was. We were just in time for the 3 o'clock movie. Not very clever: we forgot it was a holiday and there were lots of kids yelling and screaming. The movie was as funny as Ice Age I and II. But there was not much ice in this version. If it was for me, I could easily do with a complete movie filled with Scrat the squirrel. So funny! But I have something with squirrels. Once at Vrumona (Heineken) where I worked, I organised an awareness session for employees. A psychologist helped us to look at ourselves by means of drawings we made of an animal. At that moment I knew I was going to leave Heineken because of our move to Thailand and without really knowing why I drew a squirrel. The explanation was the following:

I (the squirrel) was very busy running from one tree to the other to collect and hide nuts (read: information, useful things) to prepare for difficult times (read: expat life). Well, this absolutely fits. Every move it's the same: I gather nuts first, and yes, expat life is tough and you need to be prepared!

Blueberry Tea

Blueberries grow abundant here in Fort McMurray. And the bears love it. At the moment the blueberries are not ripe yet, but to prepare for the season Mary-Lou (fourth on the left, upper row) organised a Blueberry Tea, where we were supposed to attend in hat and gloves.

Well, I do like to dress up, but in my dress up trunk I did not find gloves nor an appropriate hat. But I am always in for a little rebellion, so I decided to hide in the bushes as paparazzi waiting for celebrities to come by to shoot some hot pictures. Unfortunately I had to seek my refuge indoors as it started to rain. Luckily my Press card (from one of the biggest Canadian gossip Magazines) opened all doors. At first there was a shock reaction, because here was this photographer with two huge camera's around her neck. But later the ladies got more relaxed and did not pose anymore which resulted in spontaneous and quite unexpected pictures! It was an enjoyable afternoon, but I am afraid that Mary-Lou's intentions to make Fort McMurray a little more sophisticated were, although well meant, in vain.

Bigger than Walmart

Can you believe it? Shell is the biggest company of the world. Business magazine Fortune ranked Shell at the top. Shell is now bigger than the American Walmart concern. Well that feels good. Especially if you have seen Fort McMurray's Walmart. I have never seen such unorganised mess. Shelves half filled, stuff on the floor, abandoned paper coffee cups on the shelves, prices that never match the price of the cashier and the cause for this all: not enough staff. This is a common complaint here. Jobs enough, but not many people want to come all the way to the North of Alberta to do work in a supermarket. And I must say I fully understand ;-)

Firepit

31st of May. It is bad weather. We went mountain biking in the forest this morning and we just did not get back in time before the rain came down. Well, it is good for the lawn. We got pretty cold, so we warmed up in our basement sauna! What a luxury to have this right at home. Friday and Saturday the weather was ok, little overcast, 20 degrees, so no complaints there. We were invited by Brenda, a neighbour who lives a few houses down the road. She was going to test her new fire pit and had invited a nice crowd. Fire pit testing is something typical of this place. Almost everybody has a place in the garden (surrounded by some stones) to get a real campfire going. That is still allowed here. Greenhouse effect? Never heard off. The idea is to invite some nice people to sit around the fire with, and so she invited us. Everyone brought something to eat and drink and it was really nice. Until after midnight we enjoyed the company and the fire and we smelled like smoked eel.

We thought we would be the only ones new, but there were a lot of people who only knew the hostess and no-one else. This happened already a few times and I think it is because Fort Mac is almost like a big expat camp. People come and go and don't stay long. The result is that people make contact very quickly. We met people from all over the world at Brenda's. There was also a group of people that were going to compete in the Triathlon. They needed some swimmers, but we declined. Only 2 weeks ago there was still ice on the lake!

Keep your fingers crossed

When Shell Canada had sent us the tickets to fly to Fort McMurray on the 6th of January, they added the message: “Keep your fingers crossed at the border, there are some complications with the work permit. So we kept our fingers crossed the whole trip. And it worked in more ways that we could imagine.

First of all we managed to get off Dutch soil, a major achievement considering the “massive amounts of ice” on the wings of the aircraft. Don’t you dare to think you are going to one of the coldest places in the world: the temperatures of Schiphol airport cause more delays in one day than in Fort McMurray in a whole year!

We then also managed to catch the next flight from Frankfurt and we were upgraded to First Class all the way to Calgary!

At immigration the crossing of our fingers really paid off. There were five counters with tough immigration officers who kept scolding innocent students and other immigrants who failed to show the necessary paperwork or did something wrong. But in the end those people, completely humiliated sometimes, were allowed into the country. We saw at least 5 or 6 people going through a tough questionnaire and one girl was almost in tears because she was told she could not finish her nursing education as her visa would expire soon. All this time we had to wait and after asking Hans why he thought his skills were so special that they needed to employ him compared to a Canadian citizen, the lady disappeared for at least 15 minutes without saying anything. She returned in the end with a fax from Shell and without any word she prepared the work permit for Hans. We braced ourselves for another 20 minutes when I asked if I could apply for my work permit. Surprise surprise, that was absolutely no problem. No need to see my CV or diploma’s like Hans had to show, and no questions asked. In the end Hans’ work permit had 5 restrictions, Louise’s only showed two! So I can do what I want and work where I like, isn’t that great?

Bloody cold

Now about the weather: Well, we have to say: it was bloody cold when we arrived. The first morning we had to walk a block from the Inn where we stayed to the restaurant of the hotel to get breakfast and it was minus 35! The next day it was -25 during the day, so after spending an hour outside at the Ford Dealer, my feet were pretty much frozen. As my big heavy winter boots were still in the airfreight, we had to buy a new pair for me. Yes, it is definitely colder than Sakhalin. But it is also more erratic. We had “heat wave” of minus 15 degrees Centigrade leading up to -1º at one time. Here a record breaking day in March:

-39°

(And this broke the record for this day in March of 1950 for Fort McMurray)
Feels like: -38 (wow, are we lucky!)
Tonight: Bitterly cold. some clouds.
Tomorrow: Bitterly cold, sunny.
Tomorrow night: Bitterly cold.
It is a beautiful day... to stay indoors.

House hunting

It was a totally new experience for us to find our own home. In all three other locations in BanChang, Bintulu and Yuzhno Sakhalinsk, housing was provided on a camp or compound. No choice, which made life easier in fact. Our last house in Sakhalin was perfect, Canadian design. There you have it. It does indeed looks very much alike here, even the interior of the houses look similar. Now we had the freedom to find something ourselves which turned out to be great. But it is not really easy, oh no.

In September there was only one house for rent that we visited, all the rest were for sale. As buying was not an option, we looked for renting a place, preferably unfurnished, because we had two shipments coming. One container from Sakhalin and some other stuff (7 cub meters) from the Netherlands. This limited our search, because most houses are furnished.

We had seen a house in a beautiful area with a stunning backyard with direct entrance to the perfectly groomed (we were told) cross country ski trails. No need to say we fell in love with the area. The house was for sale, but we managed to contact the owners and they are willing to rent it out for a couple of years.

We could not wait to see it from the inside. The house looked even better than we imagined, here and there a little oldfashioned, but not rundown , lots of light and most of it in neutral colours. We decided we could live with two living rooms and two open fireplaces, a sauna and a hot tub. That all makes up for only one bathroom upstairs....

Adjusting to the new life

The first few days we managed to arrange a lot. It was convenient that the Podollan Inn where we stayed was in downtown. After an introduction and a workshop Hans started with his real work. Not everything is as well organised as you might think, so every day something unexpected came up. Needless to say: for the moment there is no way for him to get bored. Every day Hans wakes up at a quarter past 4 in the morning to be able to catch the bus at a quarter to 5. His favourite hobby…. It needs some preparation the evening before, but I think he managed to get into the new rhythm. I have decided to wake up at the same time to get into the same rhythm. Surprising what you can accomplish in the hours before 8 am! Even if it is dark, it looks sort of light outside because of the snow.

We managed to register with the Canadian government and now have to pay tax. The good thing is that the Social Insurance Number opens many doors. We were able to open a bank account, organise credit cards, buy a nice Ford Explorer (black on the outside, light leather seats), get a library membership etc. After looking at several houses we decided to go for the first one that we liked. It’s a house right at the edge of the forest with connecting cross country ski trails adding up to a total of 44 kms. It took a couple of weeks before we could actually sign the rental contract. We act however if the house is already ours and it requires some bluff. To get things done here you need to be able to prove that you actually live in Alberta, so you need documents that are addressed to you on a local address. So with a poker face I give the address. The first one was with the car Insurance. They accepted it and now I have a paper proving it…. And that paper helps a lot. I could also show it to the Driving licence office.

Of course I passed the Theory exam for a Learners Driving Licence. That means that until my papers are verified and I can prove that I have a driving licence for 26 years with a good record, I am only allowed to drive a car with a fully qualified person next to me who is over 18 years of age. I am now trying to find myself a good looking young guy over 18 with an Alberta driving licence to accompany me…… ;-) They say it might take two weeks to get the approval for me to do my road test. After I pass that test I am able to guide and correct Hans when he still has his Learners Driving Licence. That is going to be fun! Can’t wait!*

In the meantime I met a nice active group of women. They call themselves the Walking Talkies because they walk and – of course – talk! They meet every morning at 8:30 somewhere to dive into the woods for an hour. I really enjoy it. Some of these women are also doing bridge, golf in summer and some join a book club. As I am now on their list, I am invited for everything (including the lunches and coffees). But first I take it easy and concentrate on settling. First the house and the freight. There is some interest in taking art lessons from me though. I might consider doing this again for, say, a clinic or course of 5 or 6 lessons. I still plan to concentrate on my own painting and creativity. I think there is a market for an artist here in this “barren blue colour town”. They definitely need more exposure to other colours and creativity. So the plan is to paint and work my way to a new exhibition somewhere. Plenty of inspiration.

* I passed the roadtest and Hans passed his Theory exam (to be continued).

Boxes

On saturday the 24th of January we received the key of the house. Plenty of time to clean and paint as the freight of Sakhalin was delayed. After two weeks the house was painted and spottless and still no freight, so I cleaned some more. And some more. A week later our air- en seafreight from Sakhalin arrived. Finally more clothes to wear and our own skis for cross country skiing. As soon as the bed was assembled we moved in, we were then one month and 4 days in the hotel. And yes, there were several boxes to unpack! My favourite hobby. I probably never get used to it. I hate boxes. When they are closed I want to know what is inside. When I open them, I cut my hands on the sharp edges. When they are open I don't know where to put the stuff and when they are empty they are in the way. I keep moving stuff around and Hans keeps searching for things in vain. But at least the period of not knowing where you are going (In Limbo) is over.

When all the boxes were emptied and neatly folded for collection, new boxes arrived from the Netherlands. And we had to go through the ordeal again, luckily this shipment was much smaller, so after 3 days the last box was unpacked. The bad news is, 2 years and 9 months from now I have to pack them again, probably....

March 20, 2009

Elks in Canada